Love affairs last only three or four years. Yet, what is it that couples and married couples have that lasts?
【The theory is that “romantic love lasts only 3-4 years”… but what is the difference between a couple and a couple who have a long-lasting relationship?】
・Anthropologist Helen Fisher worked on a study of “love wavering” between human men and women and found that “romantic feelings tend to cool off after three years”
・How do couples who have a long-lasting relationship build their relationship?
・The release period of dopamine and PEA, which produce pounding and pleasure, is about four years at most. In addition, men begin to “prepare for fatherhood” for a little while, with a 30% decrease in testosterone. Masculinity is lost, the body becomes colonized and rounded, and sexiness is overshadowed
・Dopamine, which is easily released in the first stage of love, is associated with intense romantic feelings and sexual pleasure, or “love” and “sex,” while serotonin and oxytocin, which are easily released in the second stage, are more like the gentle and lasting affection of trust and attachment, or the desire associated with sexual activity and “marriage” as part of reproductive behavior (skinship). It can also be said that they are close to the needs associated with sexual activity and “marriage (life)” in the
・Sexual activity as skinship is also thought to play a certain function in the “bridging” process from the first to the second stage of love
・In humans, there are three love systems that evolved from mating and reproduction: (1) sexual desire, (2) romantic love, and (3) attachment.
・Sexual desire ((1)) is similar to a bit of “irritation,” like when you are hungry, and love ((2)) is similar to a mood lift or an initial feeling of “attachment” to the subject
・(3) attachment is “the sense of calmness and security one feels toward one’s longtime partner. It is precisely this attachment that we seek in marriage today!
These are the quotes from the article
Attachment (trust) is the secret to long-lasting couples.
The three-year love affair theory is pretty well known.
Although the beginning may be love, it is clear that marriage does not last on romantic feelings alone.
So what is it about couples whose marriages last long?
According to the article above,
It is an attachment (trust)
If you say “trust,” it makes sense, because there is no way you can last long with someone you don’t trust.
What about attachment?
The dictionary says, “To be deeply drawn to something with which one is familiar.
Hmmm… I can understand it from a sensory standpoint.
We often use the word “attachment,” but what does it mean?
How can we create attachment?
【Attachment Formation, the Top Priority Point for Successful Parenting – The Immense Effects of “I Love You” Calls and Hugs】
While we are talking about parenting, I found the clue in this one in the term “attachment formation.
In the article, he writes
Nurturing the power of “love and trust” = forming attachments.
After all, what is important is love and trust, right? I reaffirm it.
And the part of the article that caught my attention the most,
“Specific Efforts Leading to Attachment Formation.”
1、When breastfeeding or feeding, look into the child’s eyes and speak gently and calmly
2. Say “I love you” and “You’re so cute” a lot every day.
3. Give baby massages and play with your child every day.
4. Be happy without worrying about shyness.
5. When the child begins to understand language to some extent, respond to all of his/her requests with a smile.
Let’s convert these to adult versions (married life versions).
1、When eating, look them in the face (eyes) and talk to them gently and calmly.
2. Say “I love you”, “You’re cute”, and “Thank you” a lot every day.
3. Give hugs and other skinship gestures every day.
4. Be happy when they depend on you.
5. Respond to requests with a smile as much as possible (no response or slight reaction is not acceptable).
What do you think? In my own way, I have tried to rephrase it, albeit somewhat forcibly.
If we act with these adult attachment formation lists in mind, we will certainly foster attachment.^^
By the way, I turned another year older with my birthday yesterday.
We are in the second half of life.
We want to form attachments (trust) and build good, long-lasting relationships with both men and women.
See you then,
We often look at long-lasting couples from the perspective of “trust,” but we have probably never looked at them from the perspective of “attachment. Attachment is certainly important.